I Am Lost, I am lost and I am lovin’ it by Charlie Compuesto
For most of my life, it seemed as though I knew what I was after. I felt as though I knew what the world was about. It seemed, at least through my eyes, that the world was made up of a crazy system of producing, consuming and producing again. It was normal to me. I saw it everywhere. It is after all, the way the world works right? It sounds cynical, I know, but for me it was the truth, and in this crazy world, I was thriving.
Like many people in our country and in the world, I recently experienced a number of challenges, both personal and financial, that threw me off my game. I believed I’d lost my American Dream. Without all the “things” in my life that had helped me define who I thought I was, I felt I had become hopelessly lost. I soon discovered however, that all was not lost, and though I had lost as much as I did, I found that the absence of these “things” created a void in my life that would be filled with something far more valuable, far more precious.
My best friend once told me that letting go is an art. I believe she is right. Yet, a few years ago, I would have told her to shove it. I thought I had it all: a house with a view (a very nice one at that!), a fat bank account, more cars than I cared to drive, and far more clothes than I cared to wear. Why, oh why, would I want to let any of this go?
Then the world began to change. The economy started slowing down, the banks stopped lendin,g and when I lost my business, I lost the homes of my tenants (some of which were family members) and then I lost my own home. I couldn’t believe it. The shame I felt for not being able to keep things together was devastating. I couldn’t make the payments on the loans I took out. I couldn’t keep people on the payroll. I couldn’t maintain the life my family was accustomed to. I failed to fulfill the commitments I made to myself, and more importantly, to those around me. People believed in me, and I felt I had let them down. How could I ever face these people again? How could I ever regain their trust?
I think it was Ralph Waldo Emerson who stated that if you lose confidence in yourself, then you have the whole universe against you. I’d lost confidence in myself and I felt paralyzed. I felt like I was pinned under the burden of guilt, fear, embarrassment, and confusion. I was afraid to make decisions, afraid to move forward. I couldn’t bear the thought of making another bad decision that would jeopardize the livelihood of those around me. Not again.
Before I lost it all, I lived a life of excess. I leveraged the money I had to the hilt. I bought everything I felt I needed to reach my goals, rather than exercise creativity and resourcefulness. Many of my actions were based on fear and scarcity. I went against many of my personal values and I hadn’t even realized it. Before I lost it all, I would easily spend at least sixty to eighty hours each week speeding around town, networking with countless people, collecting business cards, handling stacks of paperwork, drinking my fill, and eating until I had to buy new clothes. All of this in hopes of earning business, making a fortune, and living the “good life.”
I wanted to make so much money that I didn’t have time to waste, so anything that wasn’t making money, to me, was a terrible waste of time. This included taking care of my health and spending quality time with the people in my life that mattered most. It wasn’t until I began to lose it all that I found the clarity I needed. I found that living this kind of life was nowhere near sustainable and that I was lying to myself—a lot. Why would I want to sustain a lifestyle I wasn’t exactly in love with? Luckily for me, my world began to change again and my answers would come.
With the help of my teachers, my family, my friends (I love you guys!), and the shrinking economy, I realized that it would be madness for me to continue living like I was. It would be madness for me to rebuild what I had, because times had changed and I had to change with it. I lost it all and I had to let it go.
I began to ask better questions. I was literally forced to take the time to really pay attention and to focus on my values, values like being happy and healthy, and being radically honest with myself and with others. The keyword here is “being.” After all, who was I being in all of this?
“Who am I being?” I ask myself this question at least a hundred times each day.
“In my wildest dreams, who would I love to be? What would I love to do? How would I love to do it?”
The answers thrill me. They frighten me.
I am lost and I am finding that it is an exciting time. Part of me died, and yet I’ve never felt more alive. I’m finding the answers I need through love. I am finding out that I must have compassion for myself, because I know I will make more mistakes, but through love I am finding the courage to regain confidence in myself and in others. Through love, I am finding what I need: to let go and to move on. Through love, I am finding out who I need to be.
Since I “lost” it all, I decided to spend most of my time living out of an overstuffed backpack and an empty cup, traveling around the world, sleeping on the beach, meeting people, seeing things, having fun, and learning to “be” someone I can love, so that I in turn, can learn to love others, with the goal of ultimately living a life of love.
Not long ago, I returned to San Diego after traveling through Israel and Europe, where I rediscovered many of the things I’ve loved, like playing music, riding bicycles, sharing, and exploring. The time I spent traveling was invaluable and now that I am back I’ve found that I have awakened my desire to have all the luxuries that I once had and more. I’ve found that I have awakened a deep and intense desire to give. I’m finding that I’m actually more determined to achieve and succeed than I was in the past.
The difference is that I feel I am more aware as to how I want to spend my time and energy succeeding; after all, I have found that many things in life are simply not worth it, especially if the price is an unfulfilled life of compromised values. One thing that I’m sure of is that there is a way to make a fortune being who I love being, and doing what I love doing. There must be. The most successful people in life, after all, are those who have followed their passions and those who have chosen to do what they love.
“Do I really love it?” I ask myself before consuming anything. “Is it really worth it?”
“What would I really love to be doing at this moment?” I ask myself in times of boredom or frustration.
“I love music,” so I listen to music.
“I love adventures,” so I take a trip (sometimes a long stroll will do).
“I love the freedom to learn and experience life and to enjoy all that life has to offer. I love taking chances and I love having faith in myself and in others.” So I do whatever it takes to experience what I love.
It sounds corny at best, but it’s true nonetheless.
I sometimes hesitate, though, mostly because of fear, and because of reasons I have yet to discover. I think I am trying to find the direction that is pulling me the most, listening to my heart for a change. My mind, at times overrides my heart, reasoning when I feel I need to be unreasonable.
“It takes courage,” I remind myself.
“Do I have it in me?” Doubt creeps in.
“Faith,” I reassure myself. “Believe in yourself.”
I feel guilty sometimes for allowing myself to live from love. I sometimes think that I am simply wasting time. I sometimes think that many people would agree. But then I consider the many people I meet daily, even some of my friends and family, who work at jobs they don’t necessarily love. Maybe they feel the need, as I sometimes do, to work at something, no matter what it is, to support a certain lifestyle. Maybe there is something noble in doing what it appears must be done—in sacrificing, rather than doing what one would rather do. My old, obsessive, achievement-driven self tends to agree. I’ve traveled that road before, however, and for me, it doesn’t work. Not anymore. For me, that road leads to too many compromises, too many regrets.
By the sound of things, it might seem that I’m always walking on sunshine. Not always. There are always challenges in my life, but I feel more conscious of the way I choose to take on these challenges. Is my life “peachy?” Far from it. Is there pain? Yes, often. Suffering? Of course.
For me, it’s all part of being alive. It’s all part of how I choose to move through my life.
Because I am lost, I’m finding that I am far richer than I ever knew I was and I’m thankful. I’m thankful for all the people I’ve met and for all the people I have yet to meet, I’m thankful for all the ideas, the stories, and the good times we share. I’m thankful for all the love that I’ve found in the world (trust me, there is a lot)! I’m thankful because every day, I have the chance to let myself shine, and to allow myself to find the things I can pour all my heart and soul into; some endeavor that I can be proud of and something that will eventually overflow with the goodness and love that I want to give. I hope that everyone takes the chance at living a life of love.
Finding myself through love is turning out to be an exhilarating ride. Allowing myself to choose love over everything else takes more courage than I ever thought I had. It gets more daunting, more challenging as I move through this life. In a way, I am doing what I feel must be done.
Through love, I am finding what I need, when I need it.
Bob helps. Did I mention that I love listening to Bob Marley? Always have. Probably always will. I’m listening to Bob right now and he is one of my favorite teachers. Bob Marley sang, “Don’t gain the world and lose your soul, wisdom is better than silver and gold.” Thanks for the reminder, brother.
I am lost, yet I’ve found that I’ve never lost the love of friends and family. Through love, I find that I am a lot closer; closer to finding my soul.
Charlie Compuesto is an explorer, writer and co-founder of The Love Company, an apparel company whose mission is to help the world come closer to peace through simple but bold statements of love. Thanks for spreading the love!