The Language of the Global Soul
Hearing and Embracing our Feelings and Needs by James Anthony Ellis
It’s an early April evening in Del Mar, California. As the sun sets on the Pacific, in perfect view from a living room window, a group of 22 friendly faces exchange greetings in this home-by-the-sea, which is full of warmth, camaraderie and just a touch of anxious anticipation. Participants take seats in a cozy circle of couches and folding chairs. A slim gentleman with gracious eyes and shoulder-length gray hair extends greetings to those arriving.
The gentleman, Scott Catamas, places his hands in a bag behind his chair and says, “Let me find my friends here.” Out come two hand puppets—one mean-faced jackal (representing our attacking, judging nature) and the other a gentle-heart giraffe (representing our compassionate nature). Such is the setting of a nonviolent communication (NVC) introductory group, a place where people can let go of their judgments and labels, and simply speak and listen using the heart-opening language of the global soul—one that speaks from the common life-affirming forces: our feelings and our needs.
As explained by Catamas—an NVC teacher and life coach—the model for nonviolent communication (or compassionate communication) gives people “a cross-cultural, non-denominational set of tools where we learn to consciously choose connection over separation.” NVC focuses on listening to others’ feelings and needs on any matter, rather than analyzing, diagnosing, labeling, accusing, or judging; no matter how loud, aggressive, or attacking the offending words may appear on the surface.
Says Catamas, “The NVC tools help us go beyond reaction and to think in any situation: What am I telling myself; what am I feeling; what am I needing right now?”
At the core foundation of the NVC model, (developed in the 1960s by clinical psychologist Dr. Marshall Rosenberg), there exists four basic parts: observation, feelings, needs, and request.
You first observe an experience in your life without evaluation or analysis; next, you express the feelings which these observations evoke; then you express a need connected with these feelings, especially when that need is unmet. Finally, you have an option to make a specific and “doable” request of another person to help that need be met, without it being in the form of a demand.
So instead of using language that blames (“you make me feel invisible”), or evaluates (“you are ignoring me”), or labels (“you are mean”), those who practice the nonviolent model would be responsible for their feelings and the source of those feelings which are namely their own unmet needs (“I feel sad because I am needing some understanding”).
Akasha Rose, a member of the San Diego NVC community (SDNVC), notes that it is our needs that bond us as humans, no matter our differences, and they reveal a global connection. “Our needs connect us to all of humanity,” she says. “They are what arise in us to give shape to our lives; they are what connect us to each other; they are what makes us human.”
So where does all the miscommunication come from? According to many NVC proponents, the current models of relationship—such as from schools, parenting, or office dynamics—reveal dominating hierarchical structures where one person leverages over another with right and wrong concepts that can be either rewarded or punished...a far cry from the NVC model where everyone is equal in being heard and valued.
David McCain, an SDNVC member says, “Current structures are motivated by the people at the top who get their needs met at the expense of everyone else. Square pegs are forced into round holes. Pretty soon we learn to clamp down our needs. We learn that needs aren’t valuable, and we cause trouble if we speak up.”
Scott Masters, a member of a monthly NVC group in North Park, is one who sees that societal programming has made communication difficult. “We are conditioned to be judgmental of ourselves and others,” Masters says. “It’s easy to get off track. The challenge is to be disciplined by staying connected to the NVC principles so they become natural.”
Afshin Alan Farr, a participant who is present for Catamas’ practice group, started learning NVC after his divorce two years ago, at a time when he wanted to become a better communicator. “I have been a really bad listener, so learning this has helped me in the process of listening to others before I react. I’m still a bad listener, but I’m getting better.”
The impact of NVC has reached every continent; there are 250 certified NVC trainers in 35 countries. The work has taken Marshall Rosenberg into war-torn, impoverished countries and into the heart of the Palestinian-Israeli conflicts. With thousands of groups in 100 countries, including over a dozen in San Diego County, the impact of his work is felt on scales large and small.
Though the influence is widespread, students say there can be challenges in using the model. One challenge comes from those friends and mates who are not accustomed to this style of communication, and will balk when someone is using the four-step model on them.
Jeff Brown, an NVC certified trainer and director of a center in Columbus, Ohio, goes so far as to tell his students not to apply the model at home since 9 times out of 10 they could get a negative response from those believing that they are being manipulated by a psychological mind-game. “I teach them to develop their own internal consciousness and practice it internally first,” Brown says. “Gradually and eventually this will transform how you naturally communicate with others.”
To help alleviate miscommunication, Brown brings in principles from the teachings of “Living Energies of Needs”, or LEN. An evolution of the NVC model brought forth by four NVC trainers. LEN exists within the paradigm of the NVC model, yet expands to consider the energy that is behind the words being used in the practice.
Susan Skye, co-founder of LEN, concluded that when you empathize with another, it has little to do with words or thought, but with the quality of energy alive in the person. If one could attune and reflect back that energy, which can normally be accessed in the abdominal region of the body, an all-important connection is made, and true compassion can take place.
Even with such widespread influence, in the end, as McCain explains, it comes back to the connection with the self. “It is all about speaking up for needs and honoring needs,” he says. “That invites us into a dialogue with people and into a conversation where both parties are open to change. When we have that, magnificence and wonder are available for all.”
James Anthony Ellis is a writer, producer and filmmaker living in San Diego, California. His work in the healing field includes facilitating breathwork sessions for individuals and groups, and leading a San Diego men’s service organization. Contact him at jimellis1103@yahoo.com.