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LifeQuake™
Ask the LifeQuake™ Doctor
Dr. Toni Galardi
Dear Dr. Toni:
I was transferred to Los Angeles four months ago by my company. I work for a large Internet corporation and while I have plenty of interaction with fellow employees at work, I don’t relate to any of them. I feel very isolated and have been waking up to panic attacks at 3 a.m. I am 45 years old and I fear I’m going to be alone for the rest of my life only to die alone. I went to my doctor and he gave me Trazodone to sleep, which is helping a little. I just don’t know how to create a new community at this stage of my life. What do you suggest?
Lost in Los Angeles
Dear Lost:
First let me say that you are not alone. Los Angeles is a tough city to create a new community if you don’t have children, belong to a religious affiliation, or are in recovery for addiction (there are lots of anonymous groups here). However, there are ways to meet people, even in midlife. So let me ask a few questions:
1) Are you involved in social media communities like Facebook, MySpace, and Twitter? If not, begin by following people you know and researching who they are connected to. Ask to be their “social media friend.” Be vulnerable. Let people know in these communities that you are looking for social events to go to on weekends or if you have time, during the week as well.
2) Have you researched the meet-up organizations in your city? For Santa Monica and the surrounding areas there are 1468 groups that meet alone. Go to www.meetup.com. What are your interests? Do you like to read and discuss books? Put book club in the search engine. Do you speak a foreign language or are you interested in a certain foreign culture? Put that in the meet-up search engine. Do you have a hobby or sports interest or is there something you’ve always wanted to do, such as take golf lessons?
3) Are you interested in furthering your education or just taking a class at the local college? This is a great time to enroll to ensure you get placement for the fall.
4) You didn’t mention as to whether you’ve attempted Internet dating. This is a way of widening the net of people you might meet in Los Angeles and beyond. I would encourage you to be very specific in your profile as to what you are looking for in a mate and also get a good picture of yourself to post.
I hope this helps. Putting yourself out there in many directions is bound to bear fruit eventually if you keep your heart open.
Dear Dr. Toni:
I was married for 20 years to a wealthy man from a Middle Eastern culture. I am American. I lived an Orthodox Jewish life for most of that time. Now that I am no longer married, I have no interest in practicing or living this lifestyle any longer. The problem is that I don’t know who I am now. We didn’t have children. I didn’t work. I feel completely lost and afraid I am going to go back to him so that I have a structure and an identity again. He has been sick and has reached out to me to take care of him. How do I turn my back on someone who financially provided for me all those years? Don’t I owe it to him to return the favor?
Debra H.
Dear Debra:
There are a few different subjects here to pull apart and examine. First, it sounds to me that your temptation to return to him is not rooted in your love for him, but rather, is driven by the need for a purpose and an identity. You can assist him through his illness by interviewing home nurses and finding one who would best jell with his personality, since you know him so well. This will allow you to visit him without having to live there.
Secondly, I would encourage you to work with a therapist or coach who specializes in career transition or life purpose clarification. Step by step, he/she will ask you questions that can help you discover where your passion lies now. Perhaps it is time to go back to school or enroll in some kind of certification program that will structure your time. Go online and do some research and do it now before the fall schedule fills up.
Lastly, I would suggest that you do some grief counseling on the death of your marriage so that you have closure instead of keeping it on a “life support respirator.” 20 years is a long time to be with one person. It is important to look at what beliefs you may be carrying around about relationships that no longer serve you.
The universe will reward your courage and authenticity!
Dr. Toni Galardi is a licensed psychotherapist, public speaker, and author of her new book The LifeQuake Phenomenon: How to Thrive (Not Just Survive) in Times of Personal and Global Upheaval. She can be reached through her website at www.LifeQuake.net or for consultation at 310.712.2600.