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Mindstates
Leaving the Self Behind: My Journey out of Body
by Uki MacIsaac
As I sank into the underworld, the faces of hospital staff working over me with controlled frenzy faded away. They reflected my fright from an hour ago, when illness drove me to the bathroom at 3 a.m. to discover my mirrored face horribly purple and swollen. I staggered back to awaken my husband who, with one sleepy glance at my face, bolted out of bed and rushed my half-conscious body to the hospital, where I swiftly entered intensive care. The barrage of questions grew fainter as darkness swept me down and away.
In that cold, pain-filled night, doctors and nurses became sadistic torturers whose painful probing procedures denied me the release I craved. From my turbulent darkness, I struggled to tell them to let me die. Bacteria invaded, multiplied, and raged through my body as fever racked me in bone-rattling chills. Confusion overwhelmed my logical mind, and an instinctual survival state took its place. I felt my Self drifting away, losing identification with my body. I began to travel though other lifetimes, experiencing other bodies with their identities and feelings in perfect detail.
I became a pioneer woman living in a log cabin my husband had built. He was shot in front of my eyes. I grieved his loss so deeply my hair turned white overnight and I lost my mind to deep depression.
As a black slave, my twin babies were taken from me at birth to serve the purposes of their wealthy white father, never to be seen again. The painful separation remained with me forever; even the sight of young foals frolicking near their mothers on the farm plunged me into despair and grief.
I was a grossly overweight Asian man kept hostage in his own house, a silken prison. Several women served their own political purposes as they cared for me and made sure I had everything I needed, yet I had no freedom and felt imprisoned in my body.
As a physicist, I saw the detonation of an atomic bomb over an idyllic tropical island. I had naively believed that my work was for peaceful purposes. The mushroom cloud rose on the horizon and I faced the brutal realization that others had manipulated me into creating a terrible force of destruction.
I felt tossed and helpless within these random storms of life with no hope of controlling any outcome. Trapped voiceless within those lifetimes, I drifted in and out of my failing body, mute and unable to help myself. I could hear, smell, see, and feel excruciating pain, but I could not move or connect with those around me. Caregivers left the TV on for hours to provide stimulation. My consciousness sought a home, slipping in and out of the bodies and stories on the flickering screen.
Within this maelstrom, I became aware of an entity, the “Trickster,” orchestrating these events and memories. Every time I felt the slightest hope that I might regain control of my life, he sent another vision or event to destroy that hope, jerking it out of my hands to send me spiraling away, unsupported and alone. Finally, I could no longer think of any way to control my own fate. I accepted the possibility that I had asked for all this pain in my body and soul to work through all my karma at once. Throughout the confusion and the loss of personal identity, the sense of karmic causality was strong. The Trickster had taken me through inconceivable hell in both the spiritual and physical planes, systematically destroying every belief I had by which I might forge my own salvation. Hopeless, I had nothing left.
After incalculable time in a frozen imploding darkness, the Trickster reappeared. As if to emphasize how much I had lost, Mother Earth appeared before me. I saw and felt all her vivid richness, the never ending wheel of life and death, joy and pain. But the planet began to recede into the darkness, pulling rapidly away from me, finally disappearing into infinity. Alone with the Trickster, he spoke almost compassionately: “If all this evil can happen, where is God?”
Were those words meant to be the last nail in my coffin? At the phrase, “Where is God,” I felt as if I’d overheard the name of an old, trusted, yet neglected friend. Light flowed through me. The determination to control my destiny, to save my life, fell away like braces never needed. I was filled with awareness of God as a source of unending strength and unconditional love in every life I had chosen, whether filled with pain or joy. I saw that God’s unconditional love could flow through me to others who felt the same grief, loss, and despair that I had suffered in so many lifetimes. The Trickster had given me memories of past lifetimes to call forth my empathy for others in their own unique pain.
At that moment of realization, I dedicated myself to be of service to others, in and through the love of God. I realized that life or death was always a choice—and I chose to live.
Completely unaware of my journey through the underworld and my new-found determination to live, doctors continued to fight for my life—but what kind of life would it be? My husband was told that I would probably be on permanent kidney dialysis with brain damage and loss of limbs.
For two and a half weeks I remained aware of my surroundings, in great pain and confusion, while those around me believed I was deeply comatose. As the days progressed, bacterial toxins blackened my extremities: fingers, toes, ears, and nose. Soon after my final meeting with the Trickster, the toxins miraculously began to recede, and hope reappeared on the faces around me. I did lose my toes, which to this day leaves me a little off balance and unsure of my ability to control everything in my life—a final message from the Trickster?
However I learned that we are in our bodies by choice. I made the decision to stay here because I had yet to live my life’s purpose. This devastating yet illuminating experience provided faith, understanding, and compassion for others and a new commitment to my life’s work. I discovered that the worlds beyond our physical world are real—because I was there.
Now in my work, I am able to connect with those who have passed over, and I often get messages they have for the living. If anything, I believe my journey can help others understand that life crises are merely an initiation and a journey to a new life of peace and clarity, rather than the end of life.
Years later, I saw two photographic renditions of Archangel Michael—one a normal picture and the other a negative of the first. In the negative picture of Archangel Michael, I instantly recognized the Trickster: Michael in disguise. From deep within my soul, I realized that angels are always with me, in love and service, no matter how life unfolds.
Rev. Uki MacIsaac’s journey through life-threatening illnesses awakened powerful gifts of clairvoyance and intuitive guidance. Her mission is to inspire others to heal themselves by connecting to the power of Spirit within. She assists her clients with integrating their spiritual purpose and living a fuller, more meaningful life. For more information, visit www.ukimacisaac.com or call 800.883.2840.