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LifeQuake™
Ask the LifeQuake™ Doctor
Dr. Toni Galardi
Dear Dr. Toni:
I have an upper management job with a great company and I’m experiencing survivor guilt. So many of my friends have been laid off from their jobs. I frequently get calls asking for job referrals or introductions to others—from friends, friends of friends, or former colleagues who are relying heavily on networking in their desperate search for work. But each person has only so much political capital to expend. When is it okay to say no? How do you say no? When should you help? What kind of help is easy to provide, and what should you consider more carefully? How far should you go to help?
Peter J.
Dear Peter:
We are living in desperate times. Bloomberg News recently predicted that things could worsen by the third and fourth quarter of this year. I believe that a positive function of a time like this is to bring us together. Americans reached out to help each other during the Great Depression. Yet when we were in an economic boom during the 1950s, the blacklist became a guise for Anti-Semitism and prejudices of many kinds. People became scapegoats if they had an independent thought about how the country was being run. History has shown us that prosperity does not necessarily engender generosity. I don’t think the focus at this juncture is to look at your political capital. The key is to use discernment with your referrals.
Firstly, say no when the person asking for help has put your reputation at risk in the past. For example, poor work habits caused them to get fired from a job you used your contacts to help them get.
Secondly, say no when the referral is for a position for which you know they are not qualified. Once again, use your resources judiciously.
Thirdly, say no when the referral will be in direct competition with a request you need to make of your contact in assisting you with your own career transition.
Lastly, say no if the requested contact is not someone with whom you have a close enough relationship to justify making the recommendation. In other words, don’t pretend to know people intimately and set up disappointment in someone desperate for work.
When it feels right to say no, do it directly, but with compassion. If someone well qualified is calling you in dire straits with a family to support, do whatever you can to help them. Connecting people with each other always serves in the long run. If you put good karma out into the world, it will always come back to support you at a different time. In my book, The LifeQuake Phenomenon, there is an entire chapter on the psychological, physical, and financial benefits of acting altruistically. We are being called in these times to expand our resources to help one another, not to contract and hold on tightly to what we have. Generosity is its own reward. The key question is not what is strategically best, but what does your gut wisdom tell you about whom to connect to whom.
Dear Dr. Toni:
I lost my job a few months ago and am going through what feels like a major transformation. Now that my old career identity is over, I notice that I don’t feel connected to my old friends. I also can’t afford the same social outings that they can. I am afraid to let go of these relationships because they are the only friends I have right now. How do I handle saying goodbye to people I don’t feel connected to anymore?
Dazed and Confused in Los Angeles
Dear Dazed:
First of all, congratulations! As your prior identity is falling away, your old life is going to feel alien. There is new life forming; it’s just underground in your psyche. That feeling of being in the desert is a powerful transition into fuller self-expression and it takes courage to be naked and alone, so to speak. However, we are never left with a void for very long once we make authentic choices. Begin to explore social functions that are free of charge or have a nominal fee. Peruse local publications for events. Volunteer part time while you are job hunting. People who volunteer their time may be the likeminded individuals you seek.
Be patient. In my book, I call this time “The Cosmic Barbecue.” Your ego may experience some discomfort when you are in between lives. It may be that you are being called toward more internal exploration that you previously didn’t have time for. I invite you to see the free articles available on my blog which can support you in a time of transition: www.LifeQuake.net.
Spend time in quiet every day and ask to be shown what your next step is. Once your career re-crystallizes, this time for befriending yourself can become a luxury you may not have again.
Dr. Toni Galardi is a licensed psychotherapist, public speaker, and the author of her new book, The LifeQuake Phenomenon: How to Thrive (Not Just Survive) in Times of Personal and Global Upheaval. Dr. Galardi is forming an eight-week group this summer for those seeking to release old habits. For private consultations, she can be reached at 310.712.2600. To submit questions for Ask the LifeQuake Doctor, contact Dr. Toni Galardi through DrToni@LifeQuake.net (no period after the Dr).