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Living Arts
The Inner Critic Gets the Boot
by Elyssa Paige
It wasn’t until I heard the unmistakable crunch of my car door that I knew something was wrong. Squeezing my eyes shut, I hesitated to look at the damage I knew was there. I had parked on the left side of a one-way street, opened the driver’s side door to check my park, and backed up without shutting the door when it met an impenetrable parking meter. The parking meter stood unaffected but the car door was another story—it was hyper-extended and refused to budge.
Blankly, I stared at the mangled door while my inner critic rushed in to seize this marvelous opportunity to berate me. What an idiot, my mind shouted. How could you be so foolish—so oblivious to your surroundings? Your head was in the clouds and now you’ve wrecked your car.
Struggling to fight back the tears, I managed to force the car door shut so I could at least get home. Later, after my emotions had subsided, I realized that my mistake was a painstakingly expensive lesson for me to start paying better attention to what is happening around me.
But the lesson doesn’t end there. Who was this inner critic and what was it doing inside my head? Was it serving any positive purpose? No, this self-deprecating voice seemed to always be there throughout my life, chiming in to let me know that I wasn’t good enough, that I could never be or do something, that this idea or that dream was impossible, that I could never afford that, and oh yeah, that my head was in the clouds when it should be directing my body here on the ground. It was the proud, chest-thumping author of those statements beginning with “I should,” and “I can’t.”
It is safe to say that most of us have a similar voice inside that speaks up to put us down. Subconsciously, this voice shapes us, limiting our possibilities. So now that we’re aware of it, what’s next? How can we get this unwanted tenant to pack up and hit the road?
The first step is to take some time throughout your day to pause and observe the thoughts bouncing around your mind. This may seem like a daunting task at first, considering the U.S. National Science Foundation’s estimate that the average person has between 12,000 and 50,000 thoughts per day. In reality, many of the thoughts swarming around our heads are the same ideas repeating themselves over and over.
As Eckhart Tolle suggests in The Power of Now, it is important to observe our thoughts without judgment. Just become aware of them without assigning labels of good or bad. If you spill the milk and you hear the familiar voice chastising you for the mistake you’ve made, just take note and refrain from forming an opinion. After all, it wouldn’t help much to criticize your inner critic.
Rather, give love and accept yourself no matter what. Why is it so easy for people to do this with others, but when it comes to ourselves, we harshly scold and punish in staunch refusal to forgive? Whenever you hear that inner critic piping up with the usual condemnations, calmly respond with compassion and understanding. So you messed up; the world probably won’t end because of it. Give yourself a break.
This is not to say that you should praise or disregard bad behavior. Just recognize that no one is perfect and give yourself the space to learn from your mistakes. Criticisms will only perpetuate the behavior that created them in the first place. It’s like a child in the classroom. If you were a teacher, would you yell at a student and call him/her stupid for giving an incorrect answer? No, you’d likely praise the effort and gently guide the child in the right direction. Give yourself that same patience and consideration. Love yourself both when you succeed and when you fail. Recognize that a failure may really just be a prompt to try a new direction or learn a particular lesson.
The choice is simple. We can either reprimand ourselves, strengthening our self-image as careless, stupid, irresponsible, and so on. Or we can choose to love ourselves through the mishaps, forgive ourselves and allow for the opportunity to grow. It is a matter of controlling your thoughts, rather than letting them control you. This is how we step into our power to consciously create our identity. The power lies within. As American industrialist Henry Ford recognized, “Whether you think you can or think you can’t, you are right.” We realize our highest potential when we love ourselves fully—especially through those moments that make us inextricably human.
Elyssa Paige is Associate Editor of Vision Magazine.