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Holistic Living
Awakening to Sexual Self-Love
by Jennifer Gunsaullus, PhD
Learning to love ourselves can be a challenging task and a long journey. Lying at the core of self-love are the abilities to know ourselves, like ourselves, and appreciate our strengths, while accepting our weaknesses. Expanding self-love into the sexual arena can offer even more avenues for personal growth. Unfortunately for many people, self-love and sexuality are mutually exclusive. Sexuality is often relegated to its own discrete box and does not receive the same knowledge, appreciation, and acceptance as the development of self-love and personal transformation in other areas of our lives.
When expanding self-love to our experiences and meaning around sexuality, it may be easier to first state the opposite of sexual self-love: guilt, shame, embarrassment, disconnection, body-loathing, and lack of knowledge. These emotions and mental states are the result of fear-based learning about sex and sexuality from various sources, such as restrictive religions, embarrassed parents, ignorant teachers, and idealized media images. If you begin with sexual topics where you feel anxiety or discomfort, you can identify where you have opportunity for immediate growth. The areas of body-image, masturbation, and freedom of expression can be a great place to start.
Research studies have found that how a woman perceives her body is the largest predictor of how much she enjoys her sex life. This applies to men too; often they are embarrassed by their bellies or focus on the size of their penises as an indicator of how well they can please a partner. Thoughts of covering or hiding disliked body parts can be very distracting during sexual interactions. Many women are disgusted by their thighs or their genitals, despite genuine compliments from admiring partners. This dependence on body-image for sexual esteem is a losing battle, particularly as we age in this youth-obsessed culture. A lack of body confidence means we carry an energetic weight that may unconsciously shield us from intimate opportunities.
Instead of disliking or disregarding our bodies, we can befriend our physical selves. I recommend embracing our strengths and tuning into our bodies’ need for balanced living. While there is a media obsession with thin female bodies and muscular male forms, there is also a national crisis of obesity. These extremes are unhealthy, and reek of disrespect for our bodies’ needs for nutrition, physical exertion, emotional love, mental respect, and spiritual fulfillment. For example, I recently saw a male client who described a recent decline in sex drive. I asked questions about body-image, nutrition, water intake, and stress. On all accounts, he was out of balance and disconnected from a loving respect of his body. Stress robs our bodies of our naturally flowing sex hormones. The same healthy diet that keeps us running at our optimum—such as getting plenty of fresh fruits and vegetables, complex carbohydrates, healthy fats, and clean water—keeps our sexual functioning at its peak as well. Take the time to write a list of 10 ways you can nurture yourself and love your body and brainstorm how they are connected to sexual vitality.
One way to cherish your body involves a heavy topic intimately connected to sexual self-love. I use the term “meditative masturbation” to offer a new perspective on this highly taboo subject. Masturbation may appear, at first glance, a trite topic when addressing the depths of self-love. However, I believe it offers a wonderful opportunity to think outside the box and expand sexual experiences.
I was speaking with a female client recently who described masturbation as something she sped through when she felt the urge. She was uncomfortable discussing the details of it, and viewed it as an embarrassing and strictly physical activity. I offered her a new perspective on masturbation as self-exploration and self-nurturing. For women in particular, there can be a discomfort with self-touch and a lack of knowledge about what their genitals look like, let alone the specifics about how they like to be touched and pleasured. I encourage women to take on a regular masturbation ritual, where they approach it as sacred time for themselves. It is a way to get to know themselves better and create a nurturing environment with candles, music, deep breathing, or toys. Perceiving our whole body as an erotic playground is a way to honor and appreciate our ability to respond to pleasure.
While this exercise is valuable for women, there are also many men who are embarrassed about masturbation or still carry childhood guilt about touching themselves. This process of meditative masturbation allows them to sexually interact with themselves in a new way. It also allows them to be mindful, sensual, and present to their sexual processes. I am amazed how as a society, we learn that this delicious activity, with no one else involved or even aware, is one of the most taboo sexual topics. Masturbation is the ultimate act of sexual self-love, because (hopefully) it is sex with someone you love!
The bottom line here is that self-love equals better sex! The better you know yourself on multiple levels, the more you love and appreciate your strengths. The greater you honor yourself right now, the freer you will feel to express yourself in the bedroom, or even venture out to new locations. Experiencing healthy sexuality and enjoying the pleasures of the body involves awareness, authenticity, and presence. Truly releasing to pleasure, whether it is succumbing to orgasm or just gazing into your partner’s eyes, puts us in a vulnerable position beyond rational control. It can be terrifying to be so fully self-expressed, yet this surrendering is essential for self-love. I am not saying that sexual self-love always requires soulful intimate encounters or ritualized masturbation sessions. However, respectful communication with yourself and others pertaining to sexual needs and desires allows for a wider range of erotic choices and sensual play. This opens the door to intimacy in new encounters and maintains the spice in longer relationships. To facilitate this, I encourage you to write a list of 15 things you are grateful for regarding your body and sexuality. If you have a partner, write lists about each other as well. Experience what it feels like to sit in this space of gratitude. Or perhaps, use a special e-mail account to send your lover erotic messages as a safer path to fuller expression.
Our sexual energy is a powerful and life-affirming source of pleasure and connection. There is so much social conditioning around sex, but as we move through our intimate interactions, we can choose to either react out of past conditioning or pause and affirm our higher selves. I encourage you to take that pause, with a deep breath and a smile, and cultivate your sexual self-love.
Jennifer Gunsaullus, PhD, is a Relationship and Intimacy Doctor who specializes in cultivating holistic sexual awareness and female sexual empowerment. If you would like to cultivate your sexual self-love as an individual, couple, or in a workshop setting, visit Dr. Jenn’s online calendar for upcoming events at www.drjennsden.com or contact her at 858.880.5944 or jennifer@drjennsden.com.