.jpg)
The Living Arts
The Nature Of Forgiveness
by Jesse Wolf Hardin
Forgiveness can be a very beautiful and healing act. We can learn to forgive ourselves for some perceived inadequacy, or set aside rancor as we come to terms with the harm someone has done. Nonetheless, forgiveness is not something we should either universally or casually hand out.
The word “forgive” comes from an early Germanic word meaning “to give whole-heartedly,” and was first derived from the Latin perdonare, meaning to pardon. A pardon is a release from penalty and obligation, something that may be highly inappropriate in the cases of repeated spousal abuse or the continued logging and burning of the world’s vital rainforests.
If anything, surely those who cause harm out of self-interest or greed should be held accountable. Perhaps criminals should do acts of service for the people they have robbed, or vainglorious Wall Street managers should pay restitution to the public that they’ve wronged.
It’s important to remember that the opposite of forgiveness is neither hate nor holding a grudge, but holding someone responsible for their words, acts and omissions. And we need to hold each other as well as ourselves accountable for those things unworthy of being excused or condoned, not by punishing wrongdoers or submitting to punishment ourselves, but by insisting that they, like us, are honest about their actions, doing everything possible to rectify, heal and thereby be redeemed.
Redemption through caring and courageous acts is one of the most ennobling and compelling of human accomplishments, which is why it has been a core theme of much of our finest literature and film. This is not to say that it can nullify what we’ve thought and said before. Though I might wish otherwise, doing something right or even noble can’t erase the reality or the results of prior harmful actions. Redeeming ourselves does not “wipe the slate clean” or allow us to “start over,” the acts of which may not necessarily be desirable to us, since we distinguish ourselves through willful shift and conscious transition. We gain inner power not only from what we do, but from how far we have come. It is the commendable process of learning from our mistakes and our suffering, in order to become more caring, giving and true individuals. There is less measurable growth among those who have carefully avoided risk and subsequent error. On the other hand, recognition and even admiration attend the great leaps made by some of those who have first done wrong. This alone is enough reason to reject the common expression, “forgive and forget.” If we forget the wrongs or mistakes of ourselves and others, we will have forgotten that there was ever a cause for forgiveness, and that there was ever the need or the room to repair, remedy and improve.
Upon close examination, we can see that forgiveness serves neither us nor others when it leads to overlooking what should be noticed and evaluated. It should never function to condone what is unacceptable, nor should it absolve the guilt of those people or institutions that need to admit their roles and make amends. When we “let bygones be bygones,” we may be overlooking how our acceptance of wrongful acts might result in the future. Care must be taken to ensure that forgiveness does not become a matter of excusing the inexcusable, confusing it with forbearance of that which threatens diversity, impinges on liberty, or dishonors life.
If forgiveness is defined as “giving thoroughly” as the early Germanic translation would have it, then it would be a more valuable present if given sparingly, meaningfully, and only when wholly deserved. Rather than automatically dismissing our concerns or issuing a blanket exemption, we might better notice, distinguish, discern, and decide on the appropriateness of what goes on in our homes and communities. In this way, we would be taking responsibility—not for the acts of others, but for our small part in the co-creation or our world and our reality.
Another way to define forgiveness is ceasing to feel anger or resentment. This may be what most of us think of first when we tell someone we forgive them, signaling that we’re ready to stop being angry and we’re willing to let the issue or peeve go, even if damage may have been done. The German government asked for forgiveness from the Jewish community in hopes of advancing reconciliation after the Nazi atrocities in World War II. Couples forgive themselves and each other after an argument, clearing the air for a fresh perspective or a sweet mending.
Even the most peace-loving and spiritual among us, however, should still take into account the occasional value of natural, temporary, conditional and directed anger. At its healthiest, anger is distress abated or eased through conscious application. It is a life-affirming passion to protect and correct a situation and can act as a kind of medicine when employed to prevent or remedy an injustice. Anger is a capacity that evolved over the course of millions of years to help motivate us to defend life and halt wrongs, not to demonstrate prejudice, wreak vengeance or vent displeasure. It is intended for relief and resolution, not for punishment and vengeance.
All too often, of course, our anger is indeed misplaced. And even when it isn’t, it is unhealthy to the degree that we hold onto it, rather than utilizing it to fuel ourselves to the point of resolution. Resentment is even more problematic. It has absolutely no positive value or function, benefiting neither the person who is resentful, nor the object of the bitterness. Resentment is the frustration, envy, discomfort and distress that we’ve failed to address or act upon. Like unresolved anger, it can distort, handicap or even poison us and the best of our intentions.
Nature and the anima teach us to purge ourselves of all such feelings, and to explore, understand, engage and then work to rectify that about which we are angry. It helps neither us nor the world to pardon or ignore those acts and conditions that we know to be harmful. On the other hand, neither does it serve the community, earth or us to sustain and nurse that anger. Hostility endangers not only the fabric of relationship and tribe, but the attendant stress can severely damage our emotional and physical health, our peace of mind, and therefore our very lives. It’s a good idea to keep in mind such effects on our own wellbeing—as well as the severity of a wrong or the degree of repentance—whenever deciding what, why and when to forgive.
Whenever prudent and justified, forgiveness is a blessing of resolution and relief for all concerned. At its best, it is not so much what we afford others as it is a gift to ourselves.