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Human Rights
Clashing With Customs: A Tale Of Forgiveness
by Chi Luciano
I try to live with awareness everyday and to be truly awake. This involves a constant effort to act as my mind and soul directs, and not merely react to various situations that life throws at me. I will myself to be conscious of my thoughts and feelings so I can choose which of them I want to pursue, thereby making my actions truly my own and not momentary reflexes that may possibly harm myself or others. Not that this spares me from any anguish—but accepting the responsibility of the pain as my creation somehow alleviates life’s blows.
This leads me to my tale. I was living in San Diego, silently complaining of my mundane, routine existence. Then like a freight train, I was crushed by the weight of life’s events, making me wish for the bliss of boredom once again. To give you a little background, I am Filipina, born and raised. My boyfriend was assigned by the U.S. Peace Corps in Kibungan, Benguet, home to one of the indigenous tribes of the Northern Philippines. I, too, resided in the mountainous north, where I chose to assign myself as far away from the city and “civilization” as I could possibly go. Abracadabra, we met and fell in love. I went to California to meet his dream of a family and he proposed to me in an amazing hot spring oasis in Guadalupe Canyon, Mexico. Months later, I was on a plane back to the Philippines to spread the good cheer of my upcoming marriage to my family.
Here my real story begins. Last June 28, I was returning back to Los Angeles from Manila. All I could think of was finally being with my fiancé again, who had waited frantically for hours outside the airport. It turned out that I never got to see even a glimpse of him.
At the airport, I carried a balikbayan box with me, which is basically a huge carton that usually looks dilapidated by the end of the trip. I have two other suitcases parked at home, but I thought it would be cool to use a box for a change. Not only was it environmentally friendly, but it was a sure stamp that I was Filipina and proud. I realized it wasn’t so cool when the immigration officer asked me to open it. She went through my clothes and money, questioned my ATM receipts, read personal letters from my family, and even read from my journal out loud. I stood there helpless, as I was told that the law permits this. She was just doing her job. The use of intimidation, especially at the initial stage, is probably a part of her job description, as it weeds out potential delinquents. “This is your fiancé?” She asked me, as I handed her his picture. “I thought it would be some dirty, old white man like I see all these young Filipinas with.” Here lies what I believe to be the main reason I was searched. I was profiled as a mail-order bride of sorts.
Previously, I’d had no experience with such things as “profiling” and was oblivious to such concepts as “being a minority” or even “discrimination.” They were just concepts in my mind. Only now have I fully experienced them.
It turns out that it is illegal to go to the U.S. as a foreigner on a tourist visa with the intent to marry. I did not know this. As a result, my visa was withdrawn. I was handcuffed, put in jail, and 24 hours later, I was sent back to the Philippines. Every second of this ordeal was the most humbling experience of my life: the searches, the handcuffs, the screened van transport, the detention cell with an exposed toilet and infernally cold metal benches, and just being locked up and under constant surveillance. “Watch out,” an officer said, “she speaks English, better than me, for sure.” The words still burn in my memory. This time I was no longer just an outsider, I was a dignified and well-liked criminal. I was tired, scared, hungry, and most of all, incredibly sad.
At first I blamed the system. I turned my anger at the coldness of the rules the people had to uphold. I was mad at the apparent customs of paranoia, rigidity, and the need to control. However, I was never angry at anyone personally. The border patrol didn’t know a single thing about me. I fully understood that they were all just trying to do their jobs the best way that they knew how. I asked myself constantly, how should I handle this situation? And I answered: with humility, understanding, and self-respect. It made the circumstances a lot easier for me to accept, knowing that this was an experience from which I was going to learn and hopefully share in a positive way, as I am trying to do now.
When faced with a negative emotion, such as anger or fear, I take a deep breath and refrain from immediate action. Instead I pause for a moment and ask, “Why is this happening?” This frees me from overwhelming and often blinding emotion and allows my mind to better understand the situation, where the other person is coming from, and what the universe is trying to teach me.
Now months have passed, my immigration papers are in the works, and I’ve been traveling around the Philippines with my fiancé in an ecstatic daze. Through it all, I have realized that the government needs these immigration laws because many people try to take advantage of them. It is difficult to be sensitive to individual needs while protecting the majority. While most societies have not found the perfect balance, I have also realized that it as my choice to enter this particular one. I wanted to go to America to be with my fiancé, fully aware that this sort of experience was a possibility for me as a foreigner—and still I chose to go. How could I be angry at anybody for what happened when I fully accept it as my own creation? So I am letting go of the anger. I will always remind myself that where there is true understanding, forgiveness easily follows.
No matter how much pain a situation or another person has caused, if you try to make a deep effort to understand what made the other person act in such a manner, it becomes much easier to forgive. Practice compassion and empathy towards others, and you will find that anger and bitterness can be replaced by understanding and forgiveness. Letting go of negative emotions sets you free from their damaging effects, leading you to a happier life.