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Viewpoint
Family
The Starting Point for Peace
by Pietro Grieco
Violence at home is the most widespread kind of aggression worldwide. This being said, there is no better place to start a peace process than with the family. In the widest definition, a family is a group of individuals who follow the same set of principles and function as a single household. They can be related by blood, love or common interests. Clashes within families often occur and, when they do, they can be generated by power, sex, money, alcohol, infidelity or myriad other issues. However, when individual members of a family establish peace within themselves, no matter what the external circumstance, they touch the peace that exists within the group and within humanity as well.
This dynamic is best exemplified when speaking about one of history’s greatest peacemakers. When Muslims and Hindus were killing each other soon after India’s independence from England, Gandhi started the peace process with a fast. The people ignored him and some even desired that he die so they could go on fighting. By abstaining from all material ingestion and mental uproar, Gandhi believed that he could create a peace so strong that it would radiate into the whole society. He was willing to die without regret and in complete calm. When news started to reach the people that Gandhi was dying for their violence, only a few stopped. The government, led by Nehru, tried to stop Gandhi’s fast, but he kept going until all violence ceased. It started with one instance of violence stopped, then another, and then another; soon all the nation came to a standstill. Gandhi gave the example. He started with himself. We, in our daily life, have many possibilities to practice peace for the world, starting with ourselves and our own families. The results can reap boundless rewards, yet the practice of living in peace every day can also be extremely challenging.
Family is the anvil where peace is first tested, even for the world’s greatest peacemakers. In his An Autobiography, Gandhi tells about several experiences with his wife, Kasturbhai. One happened in Durban, South Africa, while he was practicing law and they had boarders living in their house. In each room they had chamber pots, and Gandhi and Kasturbhai took the job of cleaning them out. There was a special case, however, where his wife could not clean the chamber pot. These are Gandhi’s words about the incident:
“I regarded myself as her teacher, and so harassed her out of my blind love for her. I was far from being satisfied by her merely carrying the pot. I would have her do it cheerfully…I caught her by the hand [and] dragged the helpless woman to the gate. [I] proceeded to open it with the intention of pushing her out. The tears were running down her cheeks in torrents, and she cried: ‘Have you no sense of shame?...Where am I to go? I have no parents or relatives here to harbor me. Being your wife, you think I must put up with your cuffs and kicks?’ ”
If this could take place in the house of the founder of non-violence, what home will not face some troubles?
The incident between Gandhi and his wife occurred in 1898, when Gandhi still considered the wife the object of her husband’s lust. However, two years later, as he went through a spiritual transformation and adopted brahmacharya (which means self-restraint, specifically over sexuality, and is the conduct that leads one to God in Hinduism), he started to see her as a partner in joys and sorrows.
When we look into the lives of the leaders of nonviolence, including Gandhi and Martin Luther King, Jr., we discover how they were tested in their own families, and many times faced great setbacks. Having dominion over basic human passions is the starting point for developing a harmonious attitude at home. Home has to provide an atmosphere of peace, and this atmosphere does not grow alone. It demands participation from all members involved. Parents must teach their toddlers how to behave with love and kindness, and how to avoid speaking with antagonism, resentment, rivalry, enmity, or animosity against any living being. To have a peaceful home, we must demonstrate affection and physical contact, verbal and non-verbal communication, and relations based on truth and trust.
The wars we all face must be met and fought first in our own consciousness. That is the central teaching of Krishna to Arjuna in the Bhagavad Gita, Gandhi’s “book par excellence for the knowledge of Truth.” It is in our own mind where we classify people, animals and objects as bad, enemies, or hateful. After accepting the labels we impose on them, we direct our anger, hate, and aggression towards them. If we do not change as Gandhi did, we remain captives of our false misconceptions.
Emily Dickinson’s last stanza of her poem XXXV captured this state beautifully. She says: Except thyself may be/ Thine enemy/ Captivity is consciousness/ So’s liberty.
She reflected in these few lines the crossroads of each person. In consciousness, there is room for captivity and liberty. This “room” is the primary stage of peace where we have neither fear nor violence. Our being is in complete harmony with the whole and the parts and each one is at peace with the Infinite, the universal family and themselves. From our own hearts, we expand the circle of peace like waves radiating from our center. These powerful waves are then able to reach our own families, our neighborhood, our region and the entire world.
Pietro Grieco is a professor at Cal State University, San Marcos and the president of The Foundation for Development of Spiritual Thinking.