LifeQuake™
Dr. Toni Galardi
Dear Dr. Toni:
My girlfriend is really into New Age stuff. She gets acupuncture every week, she meditates, she’s a vegetarian, etc. I’m fine with that except that she wants me to be into what she is interested in and I’m just not. I find meditation boring. I don’t like being poked by needles and I like to eat meat. Are we doomed?—Lowry’s Lover
Dear Lover:
What I find interesting is that you don’t mention if there are interests you do share. The key to a successful relationship is not necessarily in choosing someone like you. Rather, it exists in the mutual respect you each have for each others’ interests as well as in the things you both enjoy doing together some of the time. When you have been doing different activities, do you come back together and share your experience with each other? This sharing means including your partner in the conversation. Paul Newman and Joanne Woodward have been married for over half a century. They have widely divergent interests, but they share a love of family and the arts, in addition to their mutual respect for one another. Beyond the activities and interests that you both share, I deeply believe it is mutual respect that is the real key in keeping a partnership vital.
Dear Dr. Toni:
My wife of eighteen years has been having an affair with a man twenty years her junior. She has moved out of our home in Palo Alto into an apartment in the city but frequently continues to spend time here with our 12-year-old son and me. She has realized that the relationship with the other guy isn’t going to last but she can’t make up her mind about whether she wants to come home or not. I still love her and want her back but I don’t know how long I should wait before forcing her to make a decision either way. Your thoughts?—Left my Heart in San Francisco
Dear San Francisco:
There is no formula for how long you should wait. What is important is what you do with the time while you are waiting. An affair is always a symptom of a relationship that has stopped growing. I suggest you take some time to evaluate where you might have stopped working on your marriage. No one can come in and take another person away when the two people are committed to honest communication. What do you think this other man is giving her that she wasn’t getting from you? I would encourage you to make time every day for quiet contemplation. Forgive her and forgive yourself. Develop a life outside your job and your role as husband and father. Take a class in something you’ve always been curious about. Whether your wife comes back or not, this young man is a reflection of aspects of yourself that lay dormant. Find something you enjoy doing that brings a youthful enthusiasm back to your soul. Then, and only then, listen to your heart as to when it is time to give her a deadline.
Dear Dr. Toni
I was raised in an Italian Catholic family but I am now a Buddhist. Christmas at home on the East Coast was hell. My parents do not accept the fact that I have left the Church for an Eastern religion. They want me to go to church with them but it feels hypocritical to me. Am I going to regret not acquiescing to their wishes after they have passed away?—Conflicted in Seattle
Dear Conflicted:
It is very tempting to judge religious beliefs we no longer hold because we feel judged by those closest to us who still believe them. The real test for you is to walk the talk of Buddhism by detaching from your parents’ opinions about your newfound spiritual beliefs while maintaining compassionate understanding as to why they want you at Mass with them. I am not suggesting you go with them, by the way. There are many ways to show your parents your devotion besides going to church. Look around while you are at home and see what you can do that would be helpful. Selfless service is a spiritual practice common to both Western and Eastern religions. If you put your spiritual beliefs into action while you are visiting your parents, you will probably not regret having “passed on the Church bit” after they have died. Remember—at the foundation of most religions is unconditional love for your fellow human beings. Jesus taught people to see God in every person, while Buddhism teaches that we’re all part of one entity. Love is the answer no matter what religion you identify with.
To submit questions for Ask the LifeQuake™ Doctor, contact Dr. Toni Galardi through DrToni@LifeQuake.net (no period after the Dr). For those seeking private consultation, Dr. Toni can be reached at 310-712-2600 or through her website,
www.LifeQuake.net.