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Living Arts
What's Your Spin on Sex? How to Get the "Yes" Vote for Love
by Olga Sheean
When Melissa suspected her husband Matt of having an affair, she panicked. She’d been married for 14 years and, admittedly, their relationship had flat-lined. She wasn’t even sure she still loved him, but she was damned if she was going to let some other young thing take him away from her—and who would pay the mortgage if that happened? So she embarked on a campaign to win him back. She bought sexy lingerie, cooked his favorite meals, and took an interest in his work. She even ironed his socks. But it didn’t work. One month later, Matt asked for a divorce. Turned out he didn’t have another woman in his life; he’d just lost interest in the one he had.
When relationships become so domesticated that we try to fix them with an even bigger dose of domesticity, it’s a sure sign that the sexual spark (and a whole lot more) has died a domestic death. As every politician knows, a successful campaign must cater to the values, mindset and ethics of its target audience. So if we’re trying to win the “yes” vote in love, we must get to know the hearts and minds of our constituents. To be successful in the long term, however, we must also ensure that we’re being genuine and heartfelt, guided by love, and committed to cultivating mutual trust and respect. Yet, all too often, just like politicians, we spin a story based on ideals—we distort ourselves, hide the parts we don’t like, and cater to what we think the other person wants in order to be loved and accepted by them.
We’ve all developed strategies and devices to attract, seduce and manipulate the opposite sex. We may use the promise or denial of sex or love as a way to get what we want in relationships, often without even realizing we’re doing it. Or we may try to meet the needs of our partner in an attempt to earn their love or make ourselves indispensable. But unless we can demonstrate and embody the very acceptance that we’re trying to get from our partner, with all of these strategies, our relationships will fail to bring us the lasting love and fulfillment that we all, deep down, really want.
Healthy self-acceptance is one of the most powerful natural aphrodisiacs on the planet. It may not seem like a very sexy trait, but it’s the key to true intimacy, emotional freedom and sexual passion. When the honeymoon period is over, the fabric of a relationship becomes clear. Without a strong foundation of love, acceptance, trust and respect, sex is rarely meaningful or lasting. In the absence of solid self-acceptance, we can become needy, dependent, jealous, resentful and insecure, unable to fully express our feelings, retain our sense of self, make healthy boundaries, or truly love another. Like the hidden agenda that ultimately brings dishonest politicians to their knees, a lack of healthy self-acceptance in relationships leads to mind games, survival strategies and an erosion of our potential for passion.
The good news is that, unlike other aphrodisiacs, self-acceptance can be administered in massive doses, every hour of every day, with no ill effects. In fact, you can never have too much of it. The more we practice healthy acceptance of self and others, the more it comes back to us in our lives. And the emotional self-sufficiency that results is extremely magnetic and attractive to others. When we have strong self-acceptance, we are confident in our abilities and value; we are honest about our feelings and we express our opinions; we say no to any abuse, disrespect or manipulation; we make healthy choices and avoid any compromises that don’t feel good; we feed our creativity and take time out for friends and exercise; we take care of our own needs and take responsibility for our behavior; and we are open to receiving and allowing others to love and support us. As a result, we can connect with ourselves and our partners at the deepest, most intimate level. We don’t try to hide things we might feel ashamed of and we don’t play games. We share, explore and discover ourselves with our partner, going ever deeper into love, intimacy and fulfillment.
This is the kind of long-term policy that brings increasing rewards and consistently favorable ratings. Putting ourselves first—in practical, healthy ways—and taking care of our own needs so that we can freely, lovingly choose our partner, rather than needing him or her (which always backfires), is the most powerful pathway to passion—not to mention long-term domestic bliss. It also fosters happy families, reduces healthcare costs, promotes longevity, enhances self-esteem, boosts morale, builds integrity, inspires innovation and creativity, cultivates respect and commitment, and makes us feel good about ourselves. It’s not just a radical recipe for relationships; it’s a winning formula for leaders everywhere—in love, in life and in politics.
Olga Sheean is a personal empowerment and relationship coach who specializes in addressing the subconscious programming that runs our lives. She is also the author of Fit for Love—Find Your Self and Your Perfect Mate; Gut Feelings—The Inside Story, and DiscoverYou—An e-course in Self-mastery. See olgasheean.com for more details.