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Holistic Living
A Real Man Redefined
by Brian L. Patton
“Real men don’t eat quiche.” It’s a phrase I’ve heard many times over the years. I’ve seen it on t-shirts and bumper stickers. It’s been transmuted into similar phrases like “real men don’t ask for directions” and “real men don’t watch ‘The Real Housewives of…um…Anywhere.’” (Okay, I just made that last one up about the infamous reality TV show, but nobody should watch that junk, man or woman).
It’s also a phrase that, until about 12 seconds ago, I knew nothing of its origin. It turns out that it’s the title of a book by Bruce Feirstein, which in 1982, resided on the New York Times bestseller list for 53 weeks as “A Guidebook to All That Is Truly Masculine.”
Having read a few reviews of Real Men Don’t Eat Quiche, it appears that the book takes a satirical look at antiquated ideas of a man’s role in relation to women and the world in general, offering tidbits like, “Real men are unwavering and always self-assured,” and “real men don’t show emotion.” As far as women go, they “belong in the kitchen while the man earns a living…and when he gets home…he’s got dibs on the big piece of meat.” As a male, a chef, and a vegan, I’ve got some thoughts on this.
Meat. What is it? Well, we know what it is. It’s those perfectly portioned morsels in the glass case at the back of the supermarket. It’s that stuff they love to sear, grill, poach, roast, and pair with a nice cabernet on the Food Network. It’s beef, pork, poultry, and seafood. But what is it really? It’s a cow, a pig, a chicken, and a fish.
All of these things you already know, but where do the terms “beef” and “pork” come from? It goes way back to the year 1066, when the French-speaking Normans conquered England. In the ensuing years, a shift in the language of the land occurred. What the conquered peasant farmers continued to refer to as “cu” (or cow), which has Germanic origins, those of the French-speaking aristocracy called it “boef” or “beouf.” This example explains the current dichotomy between the Germanic-based words we use for animals (cow, swine, sheep, and chicken), and the Romantic-based words we use for their meat (beef, pork, mutton, and poultry).
All I know is that I can’t hear the name of actor Shia LaBeouf without giggling just a little.
Seriously, though, it’s these unfortunate etymological origins that perpetuate the convenient disconnect that we suffer from today between what we see on our plate and what we know about its source.
So what does all this have to do with a baked egg dish and the questionable masculinity of its consumer? The answer lies beyond the quiche itself. In his essay “Self Reliance,” Ralph Waldo Emerson wrote, “Whoso would be a man, must be a nonconformist.” Society pressures us in countless ways, as far as what to wear, how to speak, and what to eat. There was a time that I tuck-rolled the bottom of my jeans like Zach Morris, ended a good portion of my words with “-izzle” (a-l-a Snoop Dogg), and put Popeye’s mooching friend, Wimpy, to shame when it came to eating cheeseburgers.
This is not the man, or woman, Emerson spoke of.
At the age of 28, I finally made the connection between my food and its source. Once discovering that not only could I survive, but thrive without the suffering and death of another living being, I was sold. I became vegan.
My friends, on the other hand, commenced with the tossing of good-natured barbs in the form of, you guessed it, shots at my manhood. In the face of all the jokes and heated verbal attacks, I persevered (cue orchestral music in any major key). I had jumped out of the slaughterhouse line and headed full-steam for the electric fence, (music crescendos) which crumbled at the mere sight of my crushing manliness! So come on, men (cue some sort of uproarious crowd sound effect to be played over the orchestral music). Let’s be Emerson’s men! Let’s be real men! Let’s make some vegan quiche!
Brian L. Patton is Executive Chef of Vegin’ Out, Southern California’s Premier Vegan Home Delivery Service: VeginOut.com. He is also the creator of “The Sexy Vegan,” a demonstrational cooking show with an adult twist: TheSexyVegan.com.
Vegan Spinach and Mushroom Quiche
1 block firm tofu
2 oz. baby spinach
¼ lb. crimini mushrooms, cleaned and sliced
½ onion, diced
2-3 cloves fresh garlic, minced
½ cup unsweetened non-dairy milk (soy, almond, rice, etc.)
1 tbsp. olive oil
3 tsp. Dijon mustard
1 tsp. sea salt (to taste)
1-3 tsp. dried chili flakes (to taste)
¼ tsp. ground nutmeg
¼ cup nutritional yeast flakes
1 small handful of fresh Italian flat leaf parsley, chopped
Preheat oven to 400 degrees. Remove tofu from its packaging and discard the liquid. Put it on a large plate and place another plate on top of it, like a sandwich. Now put something on the top plate that will keep a slight, constant pressure on the tofu, like a couple of cans of beans, for example. After 30 minutes, a good amount of water that we don’t need will be squeezed out.
While your tofu is draining, heat the olive oil in a large skillet at medium high. Add the onion and mushrooms, and sauté for 3-4 minutes until soft. Add the garlic and cook an additional 1-2 minutes. Add the spinach and a pinch of salt, cook until the spinach is wilted, and set the mixture aside to cool.
Using the food-processing device of your choice, puree all remaining ingredients, except the sautéed veggie mixture, until smooth. Combine the veggie mixture and the tofu mixture in a large bowl and stir until incorporated. Pour the quiche mixture into a well-oiled pan that’s about 6” x 6” (if it’s square) or about 6” in diameter (if it’s round). Bake it uncovered for 40-50 minutes until the quiche is set. Allow to stand for 5 minutes before cutting. Serves 4.