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Living Arts
The Nine Secrets of Life
by Daphne Carpenter
I’ve been lucky enough to know some people here on Earth that appear to have fallen out of the sky like angels. These are the people who seem to be able to get along harmoniously in any social atmosphere. They are heroes to me because it takes a lot of class to be able to relate to everyone.
A car ride I took the other day made me realize the extent of integrity and strength that these individuals have. The trip was agonizing. My friend dominated the conversation by mostly telling me, to be quite frank, about how great he was in oh-so-many ways. And don’t get me wrong—I’m all for a healthy sense of self-love, but this was taking it to the extreme.
As I tilted the passenger seat back, kicked off my shoes and took a deep breath to soak up Pacific Coast Highway, he started up.
“Yeah, that friend of yours, Samantha? Well I’ve never met her, but she said she knows me and apparently she loves my work.”
“Oh yeah?” I said in a friendly, neutral tone. My friend is, after all, quite talented and I very much support his work. Then he went on to gush about how many newspaper and magazine write-ups he’s had recently. I complimented him on how far he’s evolved in his art.
After awhile, he changed the subject and started talking about his day job.
“My boss says that he’s never seen anyone excel as fast as me within the company. I’ll get promoted in no time.”
Next it was all about his sports scholarships. I started to realize how much energy it takes just to pay attention to people talking about themselves in a one-sided conversation.
Do I do this, I wondered?
At a workshop I attended recently, one of my teachers, Murshida, shared some useful information with our group about how to prosper in social settings and relationships. She said that there is a set of nine topics that, if we could avoid talking about them in casual conversation, we would almost assuredly have a harmonious dialogue, wherever we are.
Murshida refers to these as The Nine Secrets of Life.
“The Nine Secrete of Life are topics of ordinary conversation,” she explains. “When we casually answer questions or talk about things like these, we are giving the other person an opportunity to size us up, put us in a box, and most often, judge us.”
It’s not that we should never talk about these subjects with anyone, but that we should discuss them only with those who can give expert advice or positive feedback for our personal growth.
After the workshop, I conducted a mental assessment and thought about my heroes. I realized that these individuals seem to follow most, if not all of the guidelines discussed in the workshop—whether they were conscious of it or not. Here they are in no particular order of significance.
Praise We’ve Received
Often we feel the need to be validated by others in our actions, to be told that we are wonderful or that we are doing the right thing. Of course it’s nice to receive a compliment. But what are our intentions when we revert to telling others about the compliments we’ve received? While we might not realize it, perhaps we are attempting to relive that initial ego boosting moment. Are we desperate to confirm that we are great or a worthy person? Would you ever hear the Dalai Lama, one of my personal heroes, boasting about all the praise he’s received?
Sexual Activity
When you talk about your sexual activity superfluously, you leak the energy out of it. Many people consider sex a sacred act. By keeping it between the individuals involved, you are containing its energy, while building up the intimacy and life force of your lovemaking.
Your Wealth or Poverty
Recently I saw a comment on Facebook which said, “I looked at the Gucci and realized it was time to go.” I read it twice, then three times. Was that poetry—because this friend of mine is quite savvy with words—or was he boasting about his wealth?
“Our whole culture makes the dollar God,” says Murshida. “It’s all about how much money we have. We feel as though we’ve failed if we don’t have a lot of it.”
On the other hand, by complaining about a lack of money, we are often either wanting to draw sympathy, or confirm that we are in a terrible state. Murshida suggests, “If you really want financial advice, go to someone reputable who can help. Discern who you’re going to talk to.” If we complain about what little money we have, don’t we just keep generating and attracting scarcity?
Your Teacher’s Instructions
This can be from any kind of teacher; a spiritual advisor, a financial planner, a sensei, or a psychologist. Their instructions to you are based on intimate details about your life. If you hold these intimate details to yourself sacredly and avoid talking about them casually, they begin to hold energy for you.
“A teacher’s instructions to you is like a doctor giving you medicine—medicine to move through the obstacles in your own personality and psyche,” says Murshida. “Keep this information sacred and then put the work into evolving.”
Diet
Does the taco truck man who humbly offered you a free carne asada taco really need to know that you’re a vegetarian? By declaring this, we often separate ourselves from others. The man might go on to assume that you have something against him because he eats meat. It can be awkward.
A “no thank you” or “can you make me a bean taco please?” might be a more creative, polite way of getting around it without sounding snobby.
I think back to a time when I was 20 and staying in a Russian family’s home in Germany. “Mama” had spent the better part of the afternoon in the kitchen cooking up a welcome dinner for me. I remember the look on her face when I declared that I couldn’t eat her famous vegetable soup with meatballs because I was a vegetarian.
“A what?” she queried incredulously. You can imagine how the next hour and a half went—and the next week, for that matter.
Age
“When a person asks you how old you are, it could just be a friendly question, but inwardly, the person may be sizing you up to decide whether you are a possible mate,” advises Murshida. People often decide whether or not they want to put energy into becoming your friend or business partner based on your chronological age. It brands an unnecessary number on a person. Of course, when the theme of age is appropriate and relative to what’s going on, that’s a different story. But within these guidelines, the topic of someone’s age is thought to be irrelevant in casual conversation.
Blame
When we’ve been blamed for something (whether we did it or not), we often look for someone who will empathize with us and engage in frivolous talk about who we perceive to be the offender.
“Can you believe she’s always getting on my case about not living up to her expectations? I mean, she’s never been the cool mom that I always wished she was. Ugh!”
I hear this one often from my friend Lola (not her real name) and it makes me feel uncomfortable. She habitually speaks negatively about her mom, who apparently blames her for “everything.” I know Lola wants me to side with her, to make her feel better about who she actually is—rather than who her mother expects her to be—but as she abrasively slams her mother, I start to tune out. This brings us to the next topic…
Family Life
Your family relationships are like flowers. If you put work into cultivating them, they will grow and strengthen. When you talk about your family members and/or problems within the household without any kind of discretion, they become energy leaks. Building prosperity in your family takes dedication and vigilant care. The mouth can be a source of wasted energy and superfluous dialogue.
Medicines You Are Taking
You leave yourself open to judgment when you reveal what medicines you take in casual conversation. Murshida says this loose talk can “stifle your healing.”
In a work environment, others may assume that you might not be the right person for the job if they knew, for example, that you took blood pressure medicine.
And there are always those people who get on your case and tell you that you should only take natural medicine—holistic nazis, as Murshida refers to them. They are people who “can’t see your point of view and cause a separation from the state of union.” That’s when a wealth of holistic knowledge can be counterproductive.
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Since I’ve received The Nine Secrets of Life, I’ve discovered that by being more aware of what flies out of my mouth, my relationships seem to flow a little bit more smoothly. Through these teachings and the overall desire to evolve as a person (even though life can be overwhelming at times), I’m recognizing the beauty in others and discovering the hero within.
Murshida teaches workshops on yoga and relating to our emotions at We Move in Long Beach, CA. Learn more at murshida.com or contact murshida@mac.com. Daphne Carpenter is a yoga instructor who values character-strengthening information. She is discovering that, through hard work and perseverance, we can have what our hearts’ desire.